Catholic Church Issues Pre-Sex Prayer

September 3, 2009 | Filed under: Strange but True | Posted by:

The Roman Catholic Church, not content with its current methods of encouraging debasement, has issued a prayer couples should recite prior to intimate relations.

Part of the Catholic Truth Society’s Prayer Book for Spouses (Prayer and Devotion), the prayer reminds Catholics of their innate worthlessness.


Father, send your Holy Spirit into our hearts. Place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes.

Open our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will. Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness. Clothe us in true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, forever and ever. Mary, our mother, intercede for us. Amen.

“Cover our poverty . . . Clothe us in true dignity”?

That’s right. You, filthy human, are nothing without your imaginary friend. You are scum. Sex is dirty unless you’re having it with God (in your heart, that is, get your depraved mind out of the gutter).

And before you have sex with your wife or husband, you need to remind yourself of this fact.

Is it possible this is a new form of Catholic birth control, intended to induce impotence?

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4 Responses to Catholic Church Issues Pre-Sex Prayer

  1. avatar owl700 July 12, 2010 - 1:20 pm

    (spits coffee all over keyboard)
    Don't cathlicks believe sex is solely for reproductive purposes?I know "good girls" aren't suppose to take any pleasure in the act, but how is a guy supposed to..i mean…bahahahaha
    (Sorry, I'm just too stunned by this to think of anything witty and clever just now)

    Reply
  2. avatar Rosie7 March 12, 2011 - 5:53 pm

    Its all mental masturbation anyway.

    Reply
  3. avatar edwords June 21, 2011 - 8:26 am

    Dear God, I pray that my condom not break!

    Reply
  4. avatar Didaktylos June 21, 2011 - 10:21 am

    I always thought that the RC pre-sex prayer was:

    Holy Virgin, we believe
    That without sin
    Thou did'st conceive.
    Grant to us
    (in thee believing)
    That we may sin
    Without conceiving.

    Reply

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